left behind

the was a time when i felt down... hmn it was all about someone... well don't get me wrong, one can says i'm the forever alone or bff type hahaha ok whateverlah, this thing doesn't matter. anyone who know me, know me better, penyakit nak kahwin ni sudah lama ada hehe so it isn't new at all :)

but recently, hmn well sometimes i'm serious, sometimes i'm not, but most of the time, my seriousness is doubt-able, cause i don't really show it...

bila orang tanya, ada dah calon? ada tapi belum ditemui hehe, but seriously... i do not meet them yet hehehe, i know one or two, theree erkk four? cukup dah ni hehe. memang kahwin 4 juga lah kau shahrizal hehe. but i would like to stay one hmn..

if possible, like i said before i know my limit hmn, not that kinda of limit, i mean in term of giving affection, i just don't think i would be able to share that...

usually the targets is in facebook, hmn hehe, and don't get me wrong again, i don't flirt on someone, and i don't just chat with someone, and i don't really believe everything in fb or the internet...

and my curiosity was answered back then about someone, on one part you may think that this person was someone who she were, but then if you really explore you could actually find something beneath the person that not many know, don't be fool with appearance and status updates hehe adei. whateverlah.

i'm too not that perfect, i do think i'm not good at all, hmn that is why i am looking, just someone... hmn toooo average hehehe but still ok hmn,, maybe i'm asking too much, well whateverlah erkkk.

jangan lupa bangun malam, solat istikharah, solat hajat, insyaAllah ditunjukkn kita kebenaran and petunjuk... dan ianya berlaku, i know did something hmn that i think i would regret but then it isn't bad... i think this is the best solution, even though it is probably the saddest ever hmn... but i think it is for the best of all... hmn never get me wrong, i never had any special relationship with anyone ok

but i do appreciated my relationship with my "friends", i always do, and remember, even if i don't, i'm not going to just say no to anyone, hmn but then it is matter of principle, oh great now you show some principle erkk....

hmn i'm confuse, maybe the current development isn't so nice, but i do hope think would get better as.... i forget about it, why do i have such a good memory when i want to forget something?? -.-"

i'm sorry.

"Di antara tanda kebaikan Islam seseorang adalah dia meninggalkan apa yang tidak berguna baginya."

(HR.At-Tirmidzi)

maybe, we had change, but our memories, will always remain. insyaAllah i'll remember ^_^ someone that appreciate me, most... :)

be it.

the only one i need, is the only one that i don't... it's sad, well it's life, it's time to move forward. but still... hmn

dear future me

hi there, hehe

i wasn't sure if this is the appropriate time to write about something, i need some sleep haha, but I do feel that this is the right time to write something... maybe concerning about the future, hmn perhaps about myself, but technically it's about you, since i don't what happen to you, then it is about me haha ok whatever haha.

this came to me when i was watching this anime, ok, i'm too old for this, but isn't new, i realized that i were reading back my past posts, especially from szal.blogspot.com, it made me wonder about who i was before.. but then again, did i really change, or it's just labeling matter..... hmn, i guess that is for other to judge..... for other? i don't live my life to entertain other but if i weren't ashamed i would do whatever i would, so that's it.

furthermore, i noticed some changes.... lately... but i don't know if this is good or what, but when i'm forced i may or may not do indifferently, it's like having a low mental resistance... that is why i have to realize my core principle........ but then i'm still me.....

ntahlaah mengarut sgt dah ni, pening2...

nak kahwin punya pasal laah ni haha, kalau dapat kahwin kan senang, tapi kena fikir pasal kerja dan tangungan pula, hmn... i'm not a very good person, indeed... i know myself better, i were wondering if there is someone for me out there...

my friends are nice, but then the reason why they still with me it is because of what i had shown to them... the hidden part of me, hmn it's something else, well i don't know, everyone has a secret, it is our duty to keeps others' secret...

a few days earlier, i made a status, well it's just some random status that i've been doing haha, well for no reason, but this too was triggered, hmn but then, well maybe it is coincident, but my friend said there is no coincident, and i believed her hehe, it is fate... mysterious and yet sometimes it is full of hope that have long yearn for....

i wonder how this would lead me... but I don't need someone who don't need me, full stop, I'm grateful and thankful for those who stay with me and appreciate myself, it's not like I want to be special, but...hmn dunno haha adei.

above all, i think, hmn, well...... erk why am i clueless in my writing? hmn acctually i'm to write something abit too embracing, but no, it's not like that, perhaps i'm trying to find the correct word, but i don't think there is a correct word to best describe on what i had experienced...

but i do hope, the little clue i left could remind you of something, hehe but you forgot who or what contributed you to the post you made about "her stare" haha i guess not all is preserved, but it's nice to leave behind some incomplete puzzle, maybe somebody could tells a little bit about me, but i no one to be taken into granted, no one, even if i have become someone.

hmn i remembered, a rejection tone, it is when i do not make it into a science school, hmn i wondered why remembered this, i was wondering if this is thing really happening, i still remember when i got only 7 during spm, it is not about biology and chemistry, i do not get into med, then i try my luck in matriculation, even though they assigned me into physical science, i still do not give up....

until i end-up my matriculation, into university, now taking engineering course just like what my secondary school teacher told, haha how irony, but still i do not give up, thinking about the chance that i could get but then hmn... it's too slim.... and everything goes back to why not what.. i don't really get it, don't i?

right now, i probably thinking about, live happily ever after with the person i love the most haha (as if i have), kerja mudah, dekat rumah, cukup bulan dapat gaji (surehired) hahaha... for the most part, now ur choosing direct, a path to ur career, hmn, is this really important? i mean like, its a job to get money and that is it...

well true, but then, ur are too ambitious.. haha look, u a sponsored student, u need to go back and be beneficial to other but then looking at ur self, no, this would not lead to no way... it is true that u going into, lets say for semiconductor, renewable, creativity, entrepreneur, and so on but still this isn't going anywhere near.... how hopeless... hmn hey there, did anything change?

what scare me that u might lose hope at age about 30 40 50 and so on, if you make it, biiznillah. ur focus might have change, the surrounding could influence u, but think u are still u, ur are still looking into the same thing that u once want hmn... happiness, but then, really if that was all u want??

friends family and world, everyone seem to have negative and positive influence on u, some of them really encourage u to stay and find someone here haha ok i dunno that for sure, hmn not that, it's just that... well i dunno, maybe i was destined to marry 4, but i like to keep 1 hmn if possible, but i don't think it is possible... it's not like i don't want 4, but i know my limit...

i was never a better person for someone, i hope i was, but i don't that someone nice would want someone like me, but they do, i think i would talk most about my hidden self during taaruf, i'm serious about relationship, but think u should stop, but for no reason, it happen spontaneously...

i won't hesitate anymore, don't hesitate, just leave some u don't need, it is ur right to be happy, and letting other into ur life is not going to make thing better, u're tend to be selfish sometimes haha, i wonder if that's ur trait, lol maybe living alone could be much better haha. but no :(

perhaps u be different person, shut-off from the rest of the world due to failure, or lack of self-confidence, hmn... would i be such a person? hmn... yeah, i may live like usual, laugh with the same tone, like always, but i may no be me... hmn this too philosophical. i hide most of my feeling, i don't want other to bother about me, it irritate me sometime, i know what i'm doing and that made me an egoist.... sad.

finally, just move forward, this world is just playground, it is not our main objective, and you surely know what. distance won't separate u, it is u who made thing separately. 3 to 5 year is long but bear with it, there is nothing short of hope when you keep thing onward, tomorrow is full of hope, insyaAllah....

just remember, Allah's plan is the best for us, just do the best, if thing get better or worst, there probably something behind it. oh yeah, after years of living, realize this, that u are those that u leave behind, those that u had once met, those that be with u, those that leaves u, and these thing will always stick with u and shaping u, just remember the sins that u committed, the goodness that u contributed, be responsible, be committed, that u own them something, something that would burden ur shoulder, it is something that u will carry to change the live that couldn't, or maybe not u, but hopefully it could be passed to other...

now you know who

HAHA

pity.

It's pity

It's about a year, haha. oklah update setahun sekali dari tak update langsung, blogging dah macam jadi perkara yang out-dated haha betulkah? FB ni plak jadi mcm perkara yang kehadapan.... laa sangat. whatever.

Thing had changed, but some friends said that i haven't lol, well I did... hmn maybe not a slight, but nevermind, changes or static doesn't always mean in good way.

hmn no idea, i probably going to start blogging, eversince there is alot to be worth explaining hahaha, after all malaysian are too quick to judge. pity, that also include me, but it doesn't matter, it's your life.... but it does bother me a little bit, but i kept that in mind and go on, avoiding conflict and protecting relationship are much better than winning a debate.

but then... talking about relationship hmn... well, lately i've been deleting friends from FB, sorry about that, i felt that, the past, friends and so on it inflicting my self, my feeling and my future decision........ i know that this is abit too selfish, but then again, is it wrong for me to be happy? well FB is still just a FB nothing more nothing less.... i'm good at making reason adeiii haha -.-". but seriously, i remember and i still appreciate someone in my life...

i haven't change, i realized that i were triggered into certain thing because of somebody in my life, that's why i become so choosy, thing like wanting for marriage and so on hehe, i noticed this thing isn't new, it's even jotted down in this blog haha, i know who and what triggered that haha adeii. but nevermind...

still, my self today was the past me, even if i get rid my past, the present me would always look into the past... hmn look like it is bad... but NO, it is the experience that teaches me the most, it is the lesson that i leaved behind, and lately it's start coming into me, for some reason i don't know... maybe the PAST me was too serious(as i see now, erkk maybe not at all), unlike the present me, and wanting for marriage is what made me serious about life and the future.. hmn hehe adei.

ok then, i don't think there is much to be said, i had a hard time logging just now haha, i think i would update this blog regularly, haha, i hope no one would noticed it haha... hmn and it's been 23 years(i'm old) hahaha, but i don't really celebrate it, if not mistaken it is around this time i were born inthe morning, the thanks are all to my mother, at it's best, though i don't really celebrate it, but for me who had live the life of the past, it is always feel like being appreciated, the pasts still do not leave me huhu...

ps written in the morning, edited in the afternoon hehe.