dear future me

hi there, hehe

i wasn't sure if this is the appropriate time to write about something, i need some sleep haha, but I do feel that this is the right time to write something... maybe concerning about the future, hmn perhaps about myself, but technically it's about you, since i don't what happen to you, then it is about me haha ok whatever haha.

this came to me when i was watching this anime, ok, i'm too old for this, but isn't new, i realized that i were reading back my past posts, especially from szal.blogspot.com, it made me wonder about who i was before.. but then again, did i really change, or it's just labeling matter..... hmn, i guess that is for other to judge..... for other? i don't live my life to entertain other but if i weren't ashamed i would do whatever i would, so that's it.

furthermore, i noticed some changes.... lately... but i don't know if this is good or what, but when i'm forced i may or may not do indifferently, it's like having a low mental resistance... that is why i have to realize my core principle........ but then i'm still me.....

ntahlaah mengarut sgt dah ni, pening2...

nak kahwin punya pasal laah ni haha, kalau dapat kahwin kan senang, tapi kena fikir pasal kerja dan tangungan pula, hmn... i'm not a very good person, indeed... i know myself better, i were wondering if there is someone for me out there...

my friends are nice, but then the reason why they still with me it is because of what i had shown to them... the hidden part of me, hmn it's something else, well i don't know, everyone has a secret, it is our duty to keeps others' secret...

a few days earlier, i made a status, well it's just some random status that i've been doing haha, well for no reason, but this too was triggered, hmn but then, well maybe it is coincident, but my friend said there is no coincident, and i believed her hehe, it is fate... mysterious and yet sometimes it is full of hope that have long yearn for....

i wonder how this would lead me... but I don't need someone who don't need me, full stop, I'm grateful and thankful for those who stay with me and appreciate myself, it's not like I want to be special, but...hmn dunno haha adei.

above all, i think, hmn, well...... erk why am i clueless in my writing? hmn acctually i'm to write something abit too embracing, but no, it's not like that, perhaps i'm trying to find the correct word, but i don't think there is a correct word to best describe on what i had experienced...

but i do hope, the little clue i left could remind you of something, hehe but you forgot who or what contributed you to the post you made about "her stare" haha i guess not all is preserved, but it's nice to leave behind some incomplete puzzle, maybe somebody could tells a little bit about me, but i no one to be taken into granted, no one, even if i have become someone.

hmn i remembered, a rejection tone, it is when i do not make it into a science school, hmn i wondered why remembered this, i was wondering if this is thing really happening, i still remember when i got only 7 during spm, it is not about biology and chemistry, i do not get into med, then i try my luck in matriculation, even though they assigned me into physical science, i still do not give up....

until i end-up my matriculation, into university, now taking engineering course just like what my secondary school teacher told, haha how irony, but still i do not give up, thinking about the chance that i could get but then hmn... it's too slim.... and everything goes back to why not what.. i don't really get it, don't i?

right now, i probably thinking about, live happily ever after with the person i love the most haha (as if i have), kerja mudah, dekat rumah, cukup bulan dapat gaji (surehired) hahaha... for the most part, now ur choosing direct, a path to ur career, hmn, is this really important? i mean like, its a job to get money and that is it...

well true, but then, ur are too ambitious.. haha look, u a sponsored student, u need to go back and be beneficial to other but then looking at ur self, no, this would not lead to no way... it is true that u going into, lets say for semiconductor, renewable, creativity, entrepreneur, and so on but still this isn't going anywhere near.... how hopeless... hmn hey there, did anything change?

what scare me that u might lose hope at age about 30 40 50 and so on, if you make it, biiznillah. ur focus might have change, the surrounding could influence u, but think u are still u, ur are still looking into the same thing that u once want hmn... happiness, but then, really if that was all u want??

friends family and world, everyone seem to have negative and positive influence on u, some of them really encourage u to stay and find someone here haha ok i dunno that for sure, hmn not that, it's just that... well i dunno, maybe i was destined to marry 4, but i like to keep 1 hmn if possible, but i don't think it is possible... it's not like i don't want 4, but i know my limit...

i was never a better person for someone, i hope i was, but i don't that someone nice would want someone like me, but they do, i think i would talk most about my hidden self during taaruf, i'm serious about relationship, but think u should stop, but for no reason, it happen spontaneously...

i won't hesitate anymore, don't hesitate, just leave some u don't need, it is ur right to be happy, and letting other into ur life is not going to make thing better, u're tend to be selfish sometimes haha, i wonder if that's ur trait, lol maybe living alone could be much better haha. but no :(

perhaps u be different person, shut-off from the rest of the world due to failure, or lack of self-confidence, hmn... would i be such a person? hmn... yeah, i may live like usual, laugh with the same tone, like always, but i may no be me... hmn this too philosophical. i hide most of my feeling, i don't want other to bother about me, it irritate me sometime, i know what i'm doing and that made me an egoist.... sad.

finally, just move forward, this world is just playground, it is not our main objective, and you surely know what. distance won't separate u, it is u who made thing separately. 3 to 5 year is long but bear with it, there is nothing short of hope when you keep thing onward, tomorrow is full of hope, insyaAllah....

just remember, Allah's plan is the best for us, just do the best, if thing get better or worst, there probably something behind it. oh yeah, after years of living, realize this, that u are those that u leave behind, those that u had once met, those that be with u, those that leaves u, and these thing will always stick with u and shaping u, just remember the sins that u committed, the goodness that u contributed, be responsible, be committed, that u own them something, something that would burden ur shoulder, it is something that u will carry to change the live that couldn't, or maybe not u, but hopefully it could be passed to other...